The A-List=Crap...

I am a huge fan of reality TV. Honestly, I know it doesn't take brain power to watch it, and really, that's why I watch it. For the most part, I watch it to keep up with pop culture. When you are in the business I am, everyone needs their own area of expertise. And mine is this junk.

But I stumbled on to LOGO's The A-List: New York. A take-off of the Real Housewife's franchise but for gay men. Now, I've never seen an entire series of Real Housewives, but I know the concept and I've seen enough episodes while cleaning my house to get the drift. But who are these people on the A-List? Seriously, do you realize that you are on a channel where are youth are watching and looking for role models? What kind of example are you setting. Where are all the good gay role models on reality TV? Where are the Pedro's and Norm's from yesteryear? The Real World has gotten so far away from it's roots, it may as well be soft-core porn meets the Bad Girls Club. It's a mean spirited show now. Where are the positive story lines? Where are the real people finding out about themselves? Learning from others? Remember Julie from season one of The Real World? She went through an entire life-changing situation. She grew from the experience.

That's what I want to see. Growth. Don't get me wrong. I love a good gay character that's funny and witty with quick one-liners and eyes rolling. But really LOGO? You are providing programming for MY community. Please look at what you are doing and if you need help with coming up with reality show concepts, I've started making a list.

Why can't we...

Why can't we carry a plastic baby around with us at all times acting like it's a real baby? Why can't we spit gum at children? Why can't we drive on the sidewalk? Why can't we have sex with our teachers for cell phones and drugs?

Oh but we can!

It's all coming together...

So after that last post, it might be good to have something positive and uplifting. I mean, you get me raw on here and that's why I started blogging. To tell the world what I do on a day-to-day basis. Good and bad.

Well professionally things are going great. Busy at work and lots of things to do. On the INDYPROV front, I've never felt so positive about the group and where we are going. We have so many new venues and members. It's very exciting. Our 12-hour charity show is coming up on Feb. 27 and it's our third year. Very exciting too!

So I thought I would amuse everyone with a story like I used to.

But alas, I don't have one. Well, nothing you'd find amusing I'm sure.

xoxo

I promise I'll be better...

That statement has so many meanings to me right now. In a past relationship, I was led to believe that all our problems stemmed from me. I was stiffled creatively and emotionally from the world around me. But, that was my fault. I let it happen. But this weekend, I was exposed to a beast I really didn't know existed. And, it was scary.

Twelve years ago, I had recently come out of the closet and jumped to an exciting a new relationship with a guy I fell head over feet for. As time progressed, we started to mold ourselves into a gay super couple, letting everyone believe we really had our shit together with good jobs, cars and houses. It was a clever rouse on our part, because behind-the-scenes, I was unhappy and unhealthy. I was so sad and depressed, and started to only crave his attention and approval. Not the objects we had collected along the way. I wanted my relationship back and I knew it was going to happen. Eventually, we broke up. It was a weird break up. He told me that he wanted to live separately, but vaguely hinted at looking longterm to work things out. I moved out and when things started getting shady, I got angry. I turned on him and I turned on our mutual friends that had been there for us for ten years. I felt they were choosing sides. Which they were. And so was I.

Fast forward a year after the breakup. I start this blog in hopes of letting out some frustrations of living single after ten years of marriage, dealing with emotions of being abandoned by your friends and trying to start over life in a town where you feel the odds are against you. I had to do a lot of damage control. Guys I started dating would stop calling because they heard I used to be a druggie. Or that I cheat on my boyfriend. They were distancing themselves from me because of things they were hearing third-hand. From a likely source who was going back to his primetime, manipulative, college frat house days. Where, like Regina George, could control people with a flick of his limp wrist. It started to make me even lonelier.

I wrote it off, pushed through and eventually found myself and a group of friends that love and respect me. And I return that love to them. So, here's to the whole point of this entry.

This weekend. I went to a birthday dinner, where I sat with my ex-friends, ex-husband and his new boyfriend. I was seated with my new boyfriend directly across from him. What I witnessed was nothing less that an 8th grade lunchroom plea for attention and to establish gay dominance among the table. I have a better job, boyfriend, clothes and car. Therefore, I can act like an immature little girl, treat the waitstaff and passers-by like shit and snicker and laugh behind a menu like a bitch.

What's different about this weekend? Not a lot. It is odd to know, that someone you used to love has turned into a monster. And no, I don't think monster is too harsh. To look into the eyes of someone you loved and see nothing left of that person. To see no love or soul, only shallowness and pity.

But now, a friend who I once shunned for choosing sides has asked to come back into my life. I welcomed her with open arms, introduced her to my new inner circle and kept my mouth shut about my old group and ex until she invited it. This weekend, my ex looked her in the eyes and lied to her. It was a big lie too. Not a white lie, that you say to protect someone. A lie that you tell when you want to intentionally hurt someone.

So, I'll close with this. You can't hurt me anymore. Your lies don't affect me anymore. Your desperate pleas for attention only make me pity who you are and what you are trying to make out of your shallow identity. The love I once had for you is overshadowed by the plastic exterior of who you really are. Stop it. You aren't hurting yourself, you are only hurting others at the cost of your own enjoyment. What you don't know is, the end result will you being hurt when you only have yourself because the others in your life have figured out what a hurtful, manipulative, shallow piece of shit you are.

xoxo
Bill

So, um. It's me, not you...

I'm a bad, bad blogger. Lots to report on. I directed my first show, which saw sold out audiences and great reviews. The show was called "Christmas Belles". Very funny shit. INDYPROV is going great. We got our musical director back and we just opened a improv festival in Louisville. I'm currently in the process of planning our first tour as well.

xoxo

Children ran screaming...

Ok, I promise that I'll start updating this more often. Lots going on right now. We are currently in production of Evil Dead: the musical at Theatre on the Square. I will be assistant directing for my second time which I'm really excited about. Lots of blood and lots of fun and laughs. My favorite musical number has to be "Look who's evil now" and "Do the Necronomicon". I'll try and post some photos once we start costuming it.

Funny thing, the brakes went out on my way to work the other day and i had to drive through people's yards and into a school parking lot before i found the emergency brake. Those children were scared. Fo reals!

On the personal front, things are going well, but I've been getting down on myself lately about my appearance. I hate that. Why can't i be happy with the way I look. Seems so easy right? Anyways.

xoxo

It just seems...

that I only write on my blog anymore unless I'm sad or hurt, or depressed. Well, I just need to get some things off my chest. So sorry in advance.

I'm at a turning point where I need to "buck up" or "move on". My heart tells me I'm not ready to move on. But my head is like, "Um, you're an idiot.". So, what's this all over?

A lie.

We all lie. However, when is the lie too big? When can't you come back from it? Does content matter? Or is a lie a lie.

And actually, it's not just one. It's a series of lies pertaining to the same subject matter.

So, for now, I've decided to just let it ride. See how I feel. And try to make the best of it.

xo