I promise I'll be better...
That statement has so many meanings to me right now. In a past relationship, I was led to believe that all our problems stemmed from me. I was stiffled creatively and emotionally from the world around me. But, that was my fault. I let it happen. But this weekend, I was exposed to a beast I really didn't know existed. And, it was scary.
Twelve years ago, I had recently come out of the closet and jumped to an exciting a new relationship with a guy I fell head over feet for. As time progressed, we started to mold ourselves into a gay super couple, letting everyone believe we really had our shit together with good jobs, cars and houses. It was a clever rouse on our part, because behind-the-scenes, I was unhappy and unhealthy. I was so sad and depressed, and started to only crave his attention and approval. Not the objects we had collected along the way. I wanted my relationship back and I knew it was going to happen. Eventually, we broke up. It was a weird break up. He told me that he wanted to live separately, but vaguely hinted at looking longterm to work things out. I moved out and when things started getting shady, I got angry. I turned on him and I turned on our mutual friends that had been there for us for ten years. I felt they were choosing sides. Which they were. And so was I.
Fast forward a year after the breakup. I start this blog in hopes of letting out some frustrations of living single after ten years of marriage, dealing with emotions of being abandoned by your friends and trying to start over life in a town where you feel the odds are against you. I had to do a lot of damage control. Guys I started dating would stop calling because they heard I used to be a druggie. Or that I cheat on my boyfriend. They were distancing themselves from me because of things they were hearing third-hand. From a likely source who was going back to his primetime, manipulative, college frat house days. Where, like Regina George, could control people with a flick of his limp wrist. It started to make me even lonelier.
I wrote it off, pushed through and eventually found myself and a group of friends that love and respect me. And I return that love to them. So, here's to the whole point of this entry.
This weekend. I went to a birthday dinner, where I sat with my ex-friends, ex-husband and his new boyfriend. I was seated with my new boyfriend directly across from him. What I witnessed was nothing less that an 8th grade lunchroom plea for attention and to establish gay dominance among the table. I have a better job, boyfriend, clothes and car. Therefore, I can act like an immature little girl, treat the waitstaff and passers-by like shit and snicker and laugh behind a menu like a bitch.
What's different about this weekend? Not a lot. It is odd to know, that someone you used to love has turned into a monster. And no, I don't think monster is too harsh. To look into the eyes of someone you loved and see nothing left of that person. To see no love or soul, only shallowness and pity.
But now, a friend who I once shunned for choosing sides has asked to come back into my life. I welcomed her with open arms, introduced her to my new inner circle and kept my mouth shut about my old group and ex until she invited it. This weekend, my ex looked her in the eyes and lied to her. It was a big lie too. Not a white lie, that you say to protect someone. A lie that you tell when you want to intentionally hurt someone.
So, I'll close with this. You can't hurt me anymore. Your lies don't affect me anymore. Your desperate pleas for attention only make me pity who you are and what you are trying to make out of your shallow identity. The love I once had for you is overshadowed by the plastic exterior of who you really are. Stop it. You aren't hurting yourself, you are only hurting others at the cost of your own enjoyment. What you don't know is, the end result will you being hurt when you only have yourself because the others in your life have figured out what a hurtful, manipulative, shallow piece of shit you are.
xoxo
Bill
Twelve years ago, I had recently come out of the closet and jumped to an exciting a new relationship with a guy I fell head over feet for. As time progressed, we started to mold ourselves into a gay super couple, letting everyone believe we really had our shit together with good jobs, cars and houses. It was a clever rouse on our part, because behind-the-scenes, I was unhappy and unhealthy. I was so sad and depressed, and started to only crave his attention and approval. Not the objects we had collected along the way. I wanted my relationship back and I knew it was going to happen. Eventually, we broke up. It was a weird break up. He told me that he wanted to live separately, but vaguely hinted at looking longterm to work things out. I moved out and when things started getting shady, I got angry. I turned on him and I turned on our mutual friends that had been there for us for ten years. I felt they were choosing sides. Which they were. And so was I.
Fast forward a year after the breakup. I start this blog in hopes of letting out some frustrations of living single after ten years of marriage, dealing with emotions of being abandoned by your friends and trying to start over life in a town where you feel the odds are against you. I had to do a lot of damage control. Guys I started dating would stop calling because they heard I used to be a druggie. Or that I cheat on my boyfriend. They were distancing themselves from me because of things they were hearing third-hand. From a likely source who was going back to his primetime, manipulative, college frat house days. Where, like Regina George, could control people with a flick of his limp wrist. It started to make me even lonelier.
I wrote it off, pushed through and eventually found myself and a group of friends that love and respect me. And I return that love to them. So, here's to the whole point of this entry.
This weekend. I went to a birthday dinner, where I sat with my ex-friends, ex-husband and his new boyfriend. I was seated with my new boyfriend directly across from him. What I witnessed was nothing less that an 8th grade lunchroom plea for attention and to establish gay dominance among the table. I have a better job, boyfriend, clothes and car. Therefore, I can act like an immature little girl, treat the waitstaff and passers-by like shit and snicker and laugh behind a menu like a bitch.
What's different about this weekend? Not a lot. It is odd to know, that someone you used to love has turned into a monster. And no, I don't think monster is too harsh. To look into the eyes of someone you loved and see nothing left of that person. To see no love or soul, only shallowness and pity.
But now, a friend who I once shunned for choosing sides has asked to come back into my life. I welcomed her with open arms, introduced her to my new inner circle and kept my mouth shut about my old group and ex until she invited it. This weekend, my ex looked her in the eyes and lied to her. It was a big lie too. Not a white lie, that you say to protect someone. A lie that you tell when you want to intentionally hurt someone.
So, I'll close with this. You can't hurt me anymore. Your lies don't affect me anymore. Your desperate pleas for attention only make me pity who you are and what you are trying to make out of your shallow identity. The love I once had for you is overshadowed by the plastic exterior of who you really are. Stop it. You aren't hurting yourself, you are only hurting others at the cost of your own enjoyment. What you don't know is, the end result will you being hurt when you only have yourself because the others in your life have figured out what a hurtful, manipulative, shallow piece of shit you are.
xoxo
Bill
posted by Bill Skaggs at 7:22 AM
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